Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
