i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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