I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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