I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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