Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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