God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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