I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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