i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize