I just pynch a tree in the face
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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