Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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