I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
