got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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