listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
