i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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