I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
