I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Randomize
