I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
