she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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