I just threw up on my dentist
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
