Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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