dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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