Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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