I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
