At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
