I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
