I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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