You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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