Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
