Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
