Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
