you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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