I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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