Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
