So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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