Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
