Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
