one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
