Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
