the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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