i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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