Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
