There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
