i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
