We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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