I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize