My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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