WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
