it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
