Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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