i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Your cock deserves a montage
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Text me some of your sweat
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