Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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