if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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