Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
