Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Randomize
