Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
