if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
