Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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