I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
