I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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