I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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