Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
