Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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